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Lining the nightmare dream

2005-12-21 - 2:50 p.m.

Where do I start?

So, you may have heard that I bought a house a few weeks ago…sort of.

You see, I was looking at houses with a realtor in an area of town I’d been eyeing for quite some time – maybe a little too long. While this area was pretty affordable 18 months ago (old area, houses need to be refurbished, in the best school district…) it seems that a lot of other people had discovered what I had 18 months earlier, the area was going to explode in value. Long story short, the houses were nearly out of my price range. When I was just about to resign to a crappy new house that looks like every other house surrounding it, I got a call. From my mother. It seems she has a 70 year old neighbor who rents properties, and wants to get rid of a house in the area I'm looking in. There were some rather interesting strings attached.

The house had been a rental for 8 years, and he had not seen it for 6 - Yikes.

Quarter acre lot – Nice.

The house had been built in 1948 – Indifference.

2 Bed, 1 bath, detached garage 1050 sqft – Tiny, but it’s just 1 person in the house.

He wanted far less than the market was demanding. The asking price was based on the tax assessment. In . An. Appreciating. Market. - Woo-hoo (said Homer Simpson style).

Since he owned the house and didn’t want the tax liability, he wanted to owner finance it to me on a 20 yr note. At. 1.2 Below. Prime. - Holy Fuck!

I practically took it sight unseen.

Now the bad news. Well not really bad, it’s just that I have never written so many checks in my life, and I’m just getting started. You see the place is really old, which I like, but it has never been redone and it needs work. Here is what it needs;

New bathroom – The floor under the bathroom is rotten. The old tenants never had the landlord fix anything, so he wouldn’t raise the rent. So, leaking pipes that could have been fixed by installing a $50 fixture have turned into a new bathroom. That’s being taken care of as I type. I currently own a 2 bed no bath. Picking out the tile scheme was ridiculously hard (who new there were 15 shades of white?). Paying for was even harder. If anyone out there needs bathroom advice, I’m pretty sure I can give you all the information you don’t want to know. I am currently trying to forget my intense knowledge of bathtub materials and toilet drain diameters with copious amounts of booze, I think it just might work.

Hardwood floors redone – There are actually a few MISSING floorboards. Not that big of a deal. Just another check.

Two broken windows – TWO!?!

New light fixtures – They’re just old, I have time.

Will need a new kitchen – I think the original developer forget about this room, and then some one took out their aggression on it. Everything works, but not well, or in any attractive sense whatsoever. No dishwasher, no disposal. I’ll live…for now.

Garage – Sigh. This thing is scary. You see, it leans and sags like a stripper on Xanax. In two directions. The inspector said it best, “That garage adds no value to this house. It would cost more to haul it away than it’s worth standing. But that’s where your hot water heater and laundry connections are. It’s not gonna fall over, but I wouldn’t put any money into it.”

Paint, paint, paint – If it doesn’t need paint, it must be cleaned.

New furnace – I prefer a unit that doesn’t poison the air, call me a snob.

No insulation on the water pipes - I spent 2 hours under the house last Saturday doing this. First I hade to squeeze my ass into a 24” X 12” hole to access the crawl space. Then I had to lay on rocks and broken tile, from the bathroom redo, with 9 inches of clearance (Cozy!), and work in pitch black darkness. That was crazy fun. I still can’t figure out why the pipes in a pier & beam house where un-insulated.

And who knows what the hell else is wrong. I'll post pictures soon, I just keep forgetting to take them.

On a lighter note check this out. When I first saw it I laughed for 10 minutes straight.

0 People felt the need for sassback


Stale - Fresh

YVAN EHT NIOJ! - 2006-08-10
That's Edutainment! - 2006-04-28
I hope this is on his college application - to Antioch - 2006-01-24
Lining the nightmare dream - 2005-12-21
The ultimate fuck you! - 2005-11-10

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