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The ultimate fuck you!

2005-11-10 - 11:36 a.m.

This has to be one of the funniest email exchanges I've ever read.


It would be difficult for me to be any more
miserable right now, I feel like the worst person
ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly
truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all
the people in the whole entire world, you were
honestly the last person that I would ever want to
wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than
to say that all of us had WAY too much to drink, and
I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely
deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that
were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is
thinking that you see me as a different person. It is
weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible
break up or something. The world looked funny
yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything
you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am
also hoping that this is something that we can deal
with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but
you have come to play such a significant role in my
life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is
totally strange and weird to say that, and you could
say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you
would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me,
and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am
a terrible person, because I am not.

I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened, but I just want you to know that
fighting with you was just about the worst thing I
could have ever imagined. It was right up there with
one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would
give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of
me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe
some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff
together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for
them that would be great. I can't even focus or work
today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an
ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
was not that and you are not done with me. Please
don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle

I am so sorry.


-----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM Subject:
Re: Ugh....enjoy.

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it
away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from
drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long
division and forgetting to carry the one is "a
stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a
bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar
wondering if you're taking so long because you ate
too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my
social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing
that you went and degraded yourself in a public
toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that
you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't
Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world
"looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world
revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers,
Prada bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone
else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good
news for you is that my friends don't think you're a
terrible person, they just think you're the average
run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands
about as much respect as your average child porn
collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard
to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the
night at my place even though she's seeing someone
else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the
taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth
putting up with for a hand and b-job in the men's
room. The good thing about being a guy is that when
I eventually bump into the young lad who
finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off
about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to
spend in spin class you really must be doing
something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a
little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you
might like to know. PS. I BCC'd about 100 people
on this email. Talk to you never, Brad

This is so Goddamn funny that I don't even care if it is a hoax.

2 People felt the need for sassback


Stale - Fresh

YVAN EHT NIOJ! - 2006-08-10
That's Edutainment! - 2006-04-28
I hope this is on his college application - to Antioch - 2006-01-24
Lining the nightmare dream - 2005-12-21
The ultimate fuck you! - 2005-11-10

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